Words Like Knives
by scenescaptured
Summary: Takes place during episode 11x04 when Derek says, "You sound just like your mother." What will Derek do to fix them? And will Meredith forgive him?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, so this is my first story and I'm very new at this so bear with me! This story is basically how i think things would have gone after Derek said, "You sound just like your mother" in 11x04 because OUCH! Shot to the heart for Meredith. This will not follow the episode exactly, but I can tell you Maggie does exist. We will see how it goes!**

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Meredith's POV:

"I am done measuring my accomplishments against yours. I won't do it anymore. Just stay out of my way." I said, frustrated with how Derek and I have been talking to each other lately.

We had been fighting about Derek's plans for DC and how he decided to stay in Seattle all of a sudden. Meredith was afraid he would resent her if he stayed and missed out on the offer to work for the one and only President of The United States. It was a huge opportunity. After this fight, her biggest fear seemed to be coming true.

"Wow. You sound just like your mother."

The words took me by surprise and if felt as if the whole world shifted. It was like a ton of bricks had just been hurled at me at 90 miles per hour. I was suddenly at a loss for words as I just stared at Derek's eyes that had turned to an eerie dark blue color rather than the bright, sparkly blue eyes I had fallen in love with. If he had meant to hurt me, he had definitely done the trick.

I quickly grabbed my lab coat and speed walked out of the room. It was like i was suffocating. The one person I believed would not try and purposely hurt me had done just that.

I wasn't sure where I was going or what I planned to do, but I eventually found myself locked in an on-call room. As soon as I sat down, thoughts flooded my brain like a tsunami. One question rang clear in the blur of it all.

Could my marriage survive this?

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Derek's POV:

As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I shouldn't have said it. Unfortunately for me, I was to wound up to apologize or erase the look on my face that I knew had anger and emotion written all over it.

I watched as the look on Meredith's face turned from fierce anger to hurt and disbelief. The look she gave him said it all. He wanted to win the fight, sure, but knowing that he had just hurt the woman he loved was not worth it.

He watched as Meredith fled the room without saying a word. Angrily, I turned and kicked the nearest chair over and ran his hand through his brown locks, frustrated with my own stupidity.

Everything I had fought for throughout the years was slowly disappearing. I began to think back to the time when I first met Meredith at Joes. I had never been one to pick up women at the bar but for some reason she seemed different. For the first time in my life, I believed in love at first sight.

Next I thought of Prom night. When I first started trying to get Meredith to date me, I remembered telling her that I didn't get jealous. What a lie that was! Seeing her with Finn was the breaking point. The thought of another man getting to touch and hold her body, the body I had studied every inch of, it just wasn't right. That was when I knew I needed her and I would never let anything happen to her.

Of course I broke my promise to Meredith when I wasn't patient enough a few years back. I went to Rose when Meredith wasn't ready for what I wanted. I pressured her too much, which was similar to what I was doing now. I was pressuring her to do something I wanted but she didn't want to do.

Along with that memory was the time when she messed up the trial and I left her with Zola for a while. I wouldn't let myself see it from her point of view. She had done the wrong thing but she had done it for all of the right reasons.

As I remembered all of the things I had done to her I wanted to kick myself. I certainly have given her many reasons to not trust me. DC was suddenly nothing to me. I would rather be clipping aneurysms and die at 110 years old in Meredith's arms than be the most successful neuro surgeon in the world and die alone.

I didn't know what I was going to do but there was no way I would let her go. At that moment I decided I would make up for everything I've done to her from the moment I met her.

I was going to fight like hell for Meredith.

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 **Okay so there is the first chapter! It's kind of short in my opinion but I'm just getting started. There was a lot of sappy love stuff in this chapter too because I really hate when MerDer fights. And I"m having Derek withdrawals.**

 **Please review and let me know what you think! Anything you say will be helpful.**

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	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the feedback on my last chapter! I realized I switched from first to third person here and there but I think you guys still get the point. I'm excited to update this story so I'm not waiting any longer haha. In this chapter we're going to see a little Alex and Meredith friendship because you can't get too much of that. And since Mer doesn't have her "person" anymore. :(**

Alex's POV:

"Edwards! Make sure my patient doesn't die while I'm gone, okay? I'm going to get some sleep in the on call room."

I had just been on-call all night and of course it was one of the busiest nights in the ER. All the drunk drivers decided to come out and cause all sorts of wrecks on the highway. Broken bones, internal bleeding, head trauma; anything you could imagine was filling the beds and trauma rooms. When it finally had settled down all I wanted was to get some rest before the next wave of injured people crying "help me" came in.

Just as I was about to open the door to the on-call room, I heard faint sniffles coming from behind the door. I realized it was Meredith, curled up on a bed, trying to stifle her sobs.

"Mer?" I said as I opened it, "What happened?" I looked at her face and she just looked broken and worn down. She was defeated not only physically from work all night but emotionally. The fierce Meredith he knew was no longer there. Meredith always seemed to be the strong one even when things weren't going her way. Someone had wrecked her.

"Derek... he... we were fighting... again..." she coughed out.

Instantly, I thought Derek had abused her. Rage surged through my veins. If anyone hurt the one person that was always there for me when I needed her, I'd lose my mind. She took me in when I needed a place to stay, she helped me with my problems, and she cared for me when no one else did, even when I was bad to her. That person who hurt her would never want to step foot in Seattle again if they crossed me.

"Did he hurt you? I swear to god Mer if he laid a finger on you I will make sure he-" Alex was raging. He was on edge now that Meredith and Derek had been fighting. He was afraid that Derek would snap. Maybe he finally had.

"Alex... he didn't hurt me, well, physically at least."

"What did he say? Is it Maggie? Does he know about that?"

"No, he doesn't know about Maggie." She looked down at her feet as her next words fell quieter. I could tell that she was fighting back tears and struggling to form sentences. "He told me... he said that I'm just like my mother... and not in the sense that I'm a brilliant surgeon. He meant that I'm cold and heartless. He probably thinks I'm a terrible mother too." Her last words left her crying harder than before.

Even I knew that those words hurt her worse than anything physical he could have done. Meredith's worst fear was that she would become her mother and her children would hate her. Even though I didn't really have it easy either, for some reason Meredith's childhood seemed more painful. To have a parent that close but not want to take care of you seemed worse that parents who never really were there at all. I was used to crazy people anyway.

"That bastard! I'm going to deal with him Mer. You stay here, okay?" I stood up and walked out of the door vigorously. He was going to pay.

"Alex! Alex, wait! Don't do anything!" Meredith yelled but it was too late. Alex was already on a mission.

Derek's POV:

"Mere- Dr. Grey, have you seen her?" I asked the nearest nurse. She gave me a shrug and answered the ringing phone.

I turned away and was relieved when I saw Alex Karev walking towards me. "Ah Alex!" That's when I noticed the look on his face. It looked like someone had killed his family and he was out to find the culprit.

"Karen, what's wron-" My words were stopped as Karev grabbed my by the neck and shoved me into the wall.

"What the hell are you doing to her?!" he yelled. Nearby nurses started frantically calling for help and trying to peel Alex's hands from my throat.

I fought his hands and with the help of some nurses I managed loosen them enough to choke out, "Karev, let.. me... g..go!"

Suddenly, Owen appeared along with Webber.

"What's going on here? Karev! Back off?"

He gave Owen a dark glare and let me go. When he released me I took a few short breathes to try and regain my breathing as I sank to the floor next to his feet. When I finally met his gaze he was being pulled away by Owen and Webber.

"What's your deal Shepherd?" he yelled fighting their restraints.

"Alex, where's Meredith? Please just tell me."

"GO TO HELL!" he spit out as Owen finally took him around the corner.

What had I done.

(Still Derek's POV)

Although I had a few marks on my neck, I was fine. All I could think about now was finding Meredith. From the way Alex was acting, she took my words very seriously. I could have stabbed her with a knife and it would have hurt less. This needed to be fixed now. My problem was, I couldn't find her.

I decided that maybe she went home already. Both of our shifts had ended at 5 although it was 5:45 now because surgery had ran long and then we had begun to fight. As I began to walk to the lounge to get my stuff I passed an on-call room. Why hadn't I thought of this! On-call rooms are were everything happened.

I cracked the door open and peered inside and saw Meredith asleep. I loved watching her sleep even though she thought it was creepy. When I watch her sleep I know that in that moment, nothing will happen to her.

Her eyelids covered up her gorgeous eyes and I watched her small frame breathe in and out for a while before I crawled in next to her. I knew when she woke up she would have some words for me but in that moment, all I could do was hold her. It killed me inside to know that the reason I needed to protect her now was my fault. I did this to her.

I realized that this was the calm before the storm.

Meredith's POV:

I vaguely remember someone opening the door and crawling into bed with me after I fell asleep. I thought it was a dream at first that Derek and I were okay and none of it had even happened. It seemed like it was the old days when we were bright and shiny and our biggest problem was that he was my boss. The last thing I can remember before I fell asleep again was him holding me. I felt as if nothing would ever get me again. Sadly, those thoughts were interrupted by the realization that the very person protecting me was the person who had hurt me in the first place.

I guess the saying is true. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Although the thought of him being my enemy made it all hurt worse. I wanted to love him, he just made it so damn hard.

I didn't want to wake up. I knew things would have to be said the next morning. For now, I let it happen. I let all the thoughts disappear as he held me close and I drifted into a deep sleep.

This was the calm before the storm wasn't it?

 **Okay so there's chapter 2! It's longer than the first chapter but still short. I'm trying to come up with good ideas here and create some suspense! I tried to make it at the end that they were both thinking the same thing. "The calm before the storm" Lol. So the next chapter is going to be the fight and feelings will be revealed so be warned. It's going to suck because I just want them to be all lovey dovey but it doesn't work like that, sadly. Let me know what you think!**

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	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry it took so long to update! I've had computer problems and some writers block. Well here goes! I'll start writing and see how it goes.**

Meredith's POV:

As I woke up, a smile spread across my face as I felt Derek's arms around me. I started to stand as I slid out from under his arms. As soon as I shifted him, Derek stirred and his eyes fluttered. He always was a light sleeper. It always amazed me how even after he'd been sleeping for hours, his hair always was in the right place. I laughed at the thought as he began to become more aware of his surroundings. The happy feeling didn't last long, sadly, as thoughts of what had happened flooded my head.

"Meredith?" he asked groggily.

"Derek..." I answered, barely audible.

He looked at me and I could see the exact moment he had the same realization as I did when I first woke. He started to remember that things had been said yesterday.

Guilt flooded his face as his sad eyes peered up at me. "Meredith, I didn't-"

"Derek please don't. You said things that were aimed to hurt me and you did just that. Okay? You won, you defeated me. Accept your win and move on. Go to DC for all I care."

Deep down I really didn't want him to go, but I also knew that I was hurt. The man I loved had said things that he knew would hurt me the worst. I needed to clear my head.

"Meredith, I didn't mean what I said, it was the heat of the moment. You need to trust me. I know over the years I haven't given you very many reasons to trust me and God knows I'll be making that up to you for the rest of my life. Mer, I love you."

"Derek you said that because you have to be the winner. Your ego is so big that you don't have time for anyone else. You are possibly the most selfish person I know. God Derek, you're so caught up in your own problems, and the president, and fancy neuro surgeries, have you even noticed how miserable I am in general? Neuro was where I was happy, but I gave that up for us because again, you and your ego decided that you're always right and I was always wrong. How do you not see that?"

"You want to come back to neuro?" His face was a mixture of happiness and surprise. Everything else that had been said seemed irrelevant to him at that moment.

"Seriously, Derek? That's beside the point right now. That's a whole other story. Can you focus on the point for one second? I mean wow, for a brain surgeon, you can be extremely stupid." With that I grabbed my stuff and walked out the door. The constant fighting was just too much.

I didn't know where I was headed. All I knew was that I was leaving.

I decided not to change into my street clothes. I figured that the longer I took, the more likely it was that someone would come up to me and ask me a dumb question about my marriage or beg me to do a last minute consult. I threw on my zip up and ran out to my car.

It was raining as usual. When wasn't it raining in Seattle?

As I was driving down the road, my thoughts were clouded. In the backseat my phone started to ring. Damn it. I couldn't reach it. I checked the road ahead of me and saw that it was clear so I unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed my purse.

It was Christina. Apparently she had met some guy over the weekend. Typical of her. She was so hung up on Owen but she kept trying to move on.

I started to type my reply but I was suddenly cut off mid sentence.

Suddenly all I knew was there were bright lights and the sound of crunching metal.

Derek's POV:

I knew that everything Meredith had said was true. God, how had I dug myself into a hole this deep? I didn't want this marriage to end up like my last one. I actually wanted to be in this marriage. She was the love of my life: you don't just let the love of your life walk away. Not without a fight.

As I stood up and collected my belongings, I thought of the night we had just spent together. It was the first time in a while that I had actually held her that close. We still slept in the same bed, just as far away from each other as possible. If I would try to move closer, she would tense up and turn away. I didn't want to also be the cause she wasn't getting sleep so I gave up. Little did she know, I barely got any sleep knowing that she was turning me away. It killed me every night. It's crazy how you can grow so attached to another human being as if they were connected to you and when they're away from you it seems like you're being physically yanked away. It feels strange to me to think that I ever lived without her. Now I realize what it's like to be so far away from her now.

I decided to let things calm down. Going to talk to her now would only make things worse. It's like in surgery. The whole point of surgery is to fix the damage done internally, and at the end the cut to get inside is sewn back up. However, if the patient rushes recovery and tries to do too much physical activity, the stitches can tear, causing even more damage.

Time. Meredith needed time. I'd talk to her later that night.

Owen's POV:

"What do we got?" I yelled as they wheeled in a patient off the ambulance. It was a busy day in the ER of course. All of the best attendings were just about to head home. Hopefully I could snag them before they left.

Almost robotically, the paramedic rambled off the patients information. "Jane Doe, unrestrained driver in a semi vs car accident. She flew threw the windshield. Tachycardic and hypotensive. Injuries to the head and abdomen."

"Okay, let's get her to Trauma 1. Page Bailey and Shepherd!"

As I began to tend to this poor woman's injuries, I noticed something. The patient was wearing navy blue scrubs underneath a zip up hoodie. They were Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital scrubs. Quickly, I checked her face, but there was too much blood to recognize a face. I began frantically checking for an ID.

Shock suddenly surged through me "Change of plans. Someone keep Derek Shepherd outside of this room!" I yelled as I finally found the ID card. "And page Dr. Nelson STAT!"

It was Meredith Grey.

Derek's POV:

 _Beep Beep Beep_

Of course my pager would be going off as soon as I was about to leave. Typical. I put my scrubs and coat on quickly as I made my way down to the ER.

Just as I was about to enter the trauma room, I was stopped by Richard.

"Webber, is there something you need? I have to get to this emergency."

"Derek, you can't go in there." Webber said, panic written all over his face.

Confusion set in, "Uh, I was paged here, of course I can." Something was up.

Webber gave me a look and pulled me aside as he cleared his throat. I could see grief and shock as he searched for his words.

"Derek, Meredith was in an accident. She was hit by a truck that ran a stop sign. Owen is working on her now."

Everything I knew had just been shattered. The love of my life could be dying right now. "What? No no no... she can't... Richard I did this... she left... oh god. She can't die. I need to- to fix this."

"Derek you can't go in there. You know the protocol. It's there for a reason. Slow down." He brought me over to a chair. "Sit down and breathe Derek."

I refused to sit. "I need to- I have to go in there. She could have a brain injury. Richard I need to help her.."

"Shepherd!" he yelled. All the calmness in his voice had vanished. "You can't help her now. Your mind isn't in the right place. We've paged Nelson."

I finally sat down in defeat as my head dropped to my hands. I thought about the past two days events over and over again for what seemed like hours. Only minutes had gone by. She could die. She could actually stop breathing. This had happened before but we were fortunate enough to get her back. What if this time was different?

What if I never got to make it up to her?

 **PLOT TWIST! Trust me, this story will get happier soon. I just kinda wanted to throw in some action and make the story longer. Also I think that we don't get to see Derek's thoughts about Mer in certain situations. Anyway, stay tuned for another chapter coming soon!**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Yay for more chapters! This is super fun to write and see what everyone says so keep the reviews coming! More reviews means more content. :) So lets begin Chapter 4.**

Owen's POV:

I had just finished Meredith's initial surgery with Dr. Nelson and I was on my way to update Derek. I couldn't believe that all these bad things kept happening to such good people. The good doctors of this hospital had been through a shooting, a storm, a plane crash, Callie and Arizona's car crash, Meredith almost drowning, and now Meredith was in a car crash as well. No one around here seemed to ever catch a break.

I always hated entering a waiting room to update a loved one who was also a doctor. They always knew when doctors were lying when they tell them that the patient is "ok". They themselves tell that lie all the time. Doctors make the worst patients and the worst loved ones of a patient. This time, it was personal. I considered Derek and I to be friends. We work very closely and it's hard not to become close with the people you've been through so much with.

"Derek," I asked.

As soon as he stood I could see the pain in his face and the redness under his eyes. He had been crying. Typically, us men would make fun of another guy shedding tears, but this, this was different. He was broken because the woman he loved was possibly dying. I felt the same way about Christina. I can't help but think that maybe things would have been different if she'd stayed or she'd wanted kids. I shouldn't have pressured her so much...

My thoughts quickly shot back to Derek. He was the one in real pain right now. He must really love her, to shed tears in the middle of a hospital. Some of us had doubted if they were really meant to be together the past few weeks. They constantly fought about all sorts of things and they even fought in the hospital. It hadn't been looking good for them. Now, Owen had no doubts that Meredith was the one that Derek loved. She was the love of his life.

Derek's POV:

As soon as Owen called my name I snapped out of it and pulled myself together. I had to be strong for Meredith.

"Owen, just tell me. Is she..." I stammered.

"She made it through the surgery. She had extensive injures that we were able to repair. She had a massive brain bleed that Dr. Nelson removed. We won't know her brain function until she wakes up."

I let out a sigh of temporary relief. She was alive. She wasn't dead.

Owen gave me a pat on the shoulder for support. It was good to have the hospital behind me. I had family here. Now I realized why Meredith wanted to stay here and not go to DC. This was home to her.

"Would you like to go see her?" Owen asked.

"Yeah, of course let's go."

(Still Derek's POV)

Owen showed me to the room and I took the nearest chair next to her bed. I can't even remember when Owen left, all I knew was that my beautiful Meredith was hooked up to all these machines and she was bruised and battered.

I grabbed her limp hand and just stared at her. Her face didn't even look like her own. I couldn't help but wonder to myself if her eyes were still her eyes. I loved her eyes. I remember a long time ago someone told me to fall in love with a person's eyes because they were the only thing that never changed. For Meredith, it was easy. I could stare at her eyes for hours and never get tired of it. It was one of the many, many things I loved about her.

I was jolted out of my thoughts when I heard someone enter the room. It was Alex.

"Hey," he said, "nice neck."

"Funny, Karev." I replied as I gave him a half hearted smile.

"I'm sorry about what I did. It was out of line. Hey, why don't you go get some rest and I'll stay with Mer. You look like you need it."

I rubbed my thumb across her hand and brushed hair out of her face with the other. "I don't think you get it, Alex." I whispered. "I did this. It's my fault. I pushed her to go to DC, I broke a promise to her, I fought with her, I said awful things to her, and now... now she's lying in a hospital bed because she ran. She ran from me Alex."

I had finally said the words out loud that had been eating me alive. I constantly thought that this was all my fault. I put her in this position.

"Don't think like that. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. That easily could have been any other person in the way of that truck. She was on her way home anyway, even if you guys weren't fighting. Don't blame this on yourself. You don't deserve it. You are one of the few people I trust Meredith with, I'm just won't admit it. She's going to be fine man. She's a fighter. Now go, get some sleep."

I took Alex's words to heart. We would get through this. We always did.

"Thanks Karev," I said as I walked out of the room and found the nearest on call room. Sleep came easily for once. I was so exahusted from everything and I found peace in the fact that Meredith had someone with her that wouldn't hurt her. Things were stable for now.

Alex's POV:

"Meredith, if you can hear me please don't pull anything funny on me. It's just us now. Izzie's gone, George freaking died, and your best friend Christina left now. We're all that's left. I need you to make it because I don't think I could make it without you, let alone Derek. He loves you. It's real Meredith. Don't let it slip away."

Although Meredith didn't respond I could have sworn I saw a rise in her stats. She had to survive. She was Meredith Grey, she's been through so much and survived it all. She would do the same with this.

I sat there in silence for quite a while. The only noise was her shaky breathing and the beeps of the machines. The sound was soothing if you didn't think about why they were making that noise in the first place.

One sound suddenly caught my attention.

"Al- Alex?" she managed to say.

I shot up out of my chair and ran over to her bedside. "Meredith! You're awake. How are you feeling?"

"It hurts. What- what happened?"

"You were driving home and a truck blindsided you. One second, I'll page Owen and Derek." I quickly ran out the door to go find a nurse to page them for me. She was awake!

Derek's POV:

I reached Meredith's room at the same time that Owen did. We both ran in to see for ourselves.

"Meredith! How are you feeling?" I asked as I walked to her bed.

"I'm fine, just a tiny headache." she responded. I watched her face as she looked at Owen. She looked confused.

"Meredith, is everything okay? Why are you looking at Owen like that?" I reached for her hand and was startled as she pulled away.

"Who is Owen? And why are you grabbing my hand? You picked Addison, Derek. You made your choice so stop flirting with me all the time!"

Owen's POV:

I pulled Derek out to the hall and away from the rest of the staff.

"Derek, this could just be side effects of the drugs and surgery. This might not be permanent."

Derek's voice suddenly raised to a level that I didn't hear often. "Owen! She thinks it's 2006 when I was still with Addison! She doesn't remember us getting married or having children or any of it! What if it's not temporary? How do we come back from that?"

His voice carried throughout the hall and everyone could hear. He wasn't trying to conceal it although I knew he wouldn't want his business spread across the hospital.

"Take a walk Derek. Go home, get it together. We will monitor her and do tests tomorrow. We will fix this. Now you need to keep it together for her because if you're a mess then it's only going to get harder. We've got her Derek."

He turned and walked down the hall and disappeared around the corner.

 **It's getting interesting now! Derek still has to make up for everything. Well that is if Meredith even remembers what happened! I'll update soon again because I'm having fun writing this so leave reviews so I know if this is going the right direction or not!**

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	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the late update! I decided to join volleyball and school is starting soon ugh. Cry. Chapter 5, LETS GO.**

Meredith's POV:

"Who is Owen? And why are you grabbing my hand? You picked Addison, Derek. You made your choice so stop flirting with me all the time!" I yelled as Derek tried to hold my hand. What was going on?

I watched as Derek's face fell. His bright blue eyes dimmed and sadness flooded his face. Why was he so sad about this? He had just picked Addison.

The doctor I didn't recognize grabbed Derek's arm and pulled him outside. I could faintly hear Derek's voice yelling.

Everything was so confusing. Why was Derek so sad? Why was he yelling? Who was that Doctor?

Alex walked into my room. "Hey Mer, how are you feeling?"

"Confused. Small headache. What's happening?"

He looked confused as he walked over to my bed. "What do you mean? I already told you about the truck. Do you remember that?'

"Yeah I do, but who is that redheaded doctor, and why is Dr. Shepherd acting so funny?"

His face was hard to read. He looked almost as confused as me. "Are you talking about Dr. Hunt? And since when do you call your husband Dr. Shepherd?"

"Wait wait wait, hold on. Husband? What the hell is happening, Alex? What happened to Addison?"

"Meredith, it's 2015. You're an incredible general surgeon, you married Derek Shepherd, you have two kids, Zola and Bailey. Do you not remember?"

I couldn't believe my ears. Did I really not remember my own life? I had kids, my own kids. And had I really married my one night stand? This was crazy.

As I was trying to make sense of everything, the redheaded doctor, who I now knew was Dr. Hunt, came back into the room. Derek must have left. I couldn't help but wonder where we lived if we were married. Did we still live in my mom's old house?

"Meredith, we are going to have to do another surgery to correct your memory loss. There is a brain bleed that is clouding your memory." Dr. Hunt explained. "It's a simple surgery that Dr. Nelson will be performing. Do you have any questions?"

"What if it doesn't work? I don't remember my life. Alex told me about Derek and my kids. What if I don't get my memory back?" I couldn't imagine how life would go on.

"Don't worry, Dr. Grey. You're in good hands."

"I'll be there the whole time, Mer." Alex reassured me.

I nodded and watched as Alex and Dr. Hunt left the room.

 **Derek's POV:**

After I had left Meredith's room I went straight to my car. Driving always seemed to calm me down. It was always just me and the road and nothing else mattered. All I needed was to get my mind straight.

I never ate junk food. Being a doctor, I knew all of the bad things that junk food can do to you. But for some reason right now all I wanted was McDonald's. Without even thinking about it, I ordered Meredith's favorite. McChicken and a medium fry.

It was such a small thing but for some reason it made me happy. I began to see the bigger picture. DC was not what I wanted. I wanted those days where Meredith and I didn't work and we stayed in bed all day because the kids were gone somewhere. I wanted the surgeries where we both worked together and we got endless hours together just talking. I wanted tea parties with Zola and teaching Bailey to fish. I wanted my family. I needed Meredith. I needed her to survive.

I finished my meal and drove back to the hospital to wait for Meredith to get out of surgery. I thought about the good things and the things I loved about her and not the bad things like if she didn't regain her memory.

A few hours later I was woken by Owen. I shot up out of my chair.

"Owen, her memory-"

"Go see for yourself."

I entered the room and walked over to her bed. "Meredith, how do you feel?"

She looked up and me and smiled her same smile that I fell in love with. "Sleepy, hungry. Can you get me McDonalds?"

A huge grin spread across my face as I leaned in to kiss her. She was okay. I never wanted to come up for air. The possibility that I'd never be able to kiss her again scared me.

"Derek?" she asked, taken aback my my sudden kiss.

"Meredith, I love you."

"Derek, I-" she tried to interfere.

"No, listen to me. I need you to listen. Trust me. I know I haven't made it easy for you to trust me over the years. I break my promises, I left you when you needed me the most, I didn't tell you about Addison. I have made way to many mistakes in our relationship and I have to make it up to you. I thought that DC was what would make me happy. I thought that it was everything to me. It took me too long but I finally realized, you are everything to me. You, Zola, and Bailey. I love you. I love your smile, the way you crave McDonald's at least once a week even though it's terrible. I love how you think that the calories don't count if no one sees. I love the smell of your hair, the way you get us all moving in a crisis. I love you. You keep me going, Meredith. I need you. If I had nothing else in the world but you, I would have more than I deserved. I don't tell you that enough. Someone like you should be told every day how beautiful you are. You deserve to be loved every day and I can't imagine anyone but me telling you that. I haven't treated you how I should. You could have died and I never would have been able to fix this. You got a second chance and I hope that you will give me one."

Meredith's POV:

Tears formed in my eyes after Derek's speech. He really loved me. I missed the Derek that I had fell in love with at first.

"Come here," I told him.

I could tell that he didn't know if this was a good or bad thing as he stood up and walked over. He hesitantly climbed into my bed and lay facing me.

I gave him a small grin as I reached out to touch him. "I love you Derek Christopher Shepherd." I told him as ran my hand through his hair and stared into his eyes.

"Will you hold me?" I asked.

A smile spread across his face as he leaned in to kiss me. I turned around and cuddled as close to him as I could as he wrapped his arms around me and we fell asleep together.

 **WOO HE MADE A BIG SPEECH. You may thing this story is over but I promise you it is not. I have big plans for this story and you can never have to much MerDer. I will write again soon! Leave reviews please, kind people.**

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	6. Chapter 6

**Okay so I haven't gotten a ton of feedback on my last chapter which makes me sad but it's okay. It's only been a day. I'm going to try and make it more interesting I guess! Any review at all helps! Oh, and sorry if any medical stuff is wrong I really have no clue. I'm trying to find previous examples of similar medical situations. Also, this chapter is kind of mature but it's not that bad. ;)**

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Derek's POV:

It had been 3 weeks since Meredith's accident and I was finally taking her home. After my big speech to Meredith, things had been better but still slightly awkward. For one, she was still in the hospital which complicated things. I couldn't take her anywhere, let alone start anything more intimate with her.

She had a right to be upset with me and I fully understood that. I was no where near done making it up to her.

"Ready to go?" I asked her as she sat down in the wheelchair.

"Could not be more ready." she replied. "I feel gross and I probably look terrible. I just need a shower and some of my own clothes."

I hated it when she thought less of herself. I didn't understand how someone so beautiful couldn't even see it. I wish she thought of herself the way that I thought of her.

"Meredith, you look gorgeous as always." I told her as I placed a kiss on the top of her head and began to wheel her out of the room.

Meredith's POV:

It's crazy how even after all of these years he could still make me blush like a middle school girl. He somehow knew all the right things to say to make me feel better. I guess he knew all the right things to say to make me sad too.

I quickly shoved those thoughts out of my head. I wanted to fix us and if that was going to happen I needed to forgive him. He had been making it easier, I admit. No one said marriage would be easy.

Derek helped me into the car and we began to drive home. It was the first time I had been in a car since the accident and I couldn't help but be nervous. Every time a car would pass us I would cringe a little as thoughts of them swerving at us filled my mind.

Derek looked over at me and seemed to know what I was thinking about. Keeping one hand on the wheel he reached over and grabbed my hand. He made small circles comfortingly with his thumb which calmed me down instantly.

It was like I was falling in love with him all over again.

Derek's POV:

I could see the fear in Meredith's eyes and I knew that she was nervous being in a car again. I remembered that she would calm down if I drew circles on her hand so that's what I did. I was helping her calm down but I was also helping myself by making physical contact with her. Knowing she was right there with me somehow made everything okay.

We pulled into the driveway and I helped her out of the car and up the sidewalk to the front door.

"Mommy!" Zola yelled as her mom walked into the door. I reached out and stopped Zola before she ran into Meredith.

I grabbed her tiny hands and pulled her over to me. "Zola honey, Momma is hurt right now. You can hug her but just be gentle okay? Promise me?"

"I promise Daddy." She then walked over to Meredith and softly hugged her. "I missed you mommy."

"I missed you too, Zo-zo." Meredith said, a huge smile on her face.

Watching Meredith with Zola was a beautiful sight. I couldn't imagine leaving them and missing these moments. They grow up so fast.

If it was even possible, I think I fell more in love with her at that moment.

At that moment, Amelia walked into the living room holding baby Bailey.

"Meredith! You're home! How are you feeling?" she asked as she handed Bailey to me.

"Alright. Just happy to be home. I really need a shower." Meredith gave her a weak smile, picked up her bags and began to walk towards our bedroom.

After Meredith walked away Amelia turned towards me "I was going to bring the kids to daycare on my way to work. I wasn't sure when you'd be home. Do you want me to bring them or leave them here with you?"

"Why don't you bring them to daycare while I get Meredith settled in. She's going to need rest." I handed Bailey to her and opened the door for her. "Thank you, Amelia. I don't know what we would've done without you." I almost never complimented my sister.

"I know, it's because I'm awesome. How hard was that to say?" she smirked, taking full advantage of my words.

I shook my head as I ushered her out the door. "Don't kill any of my patients while I'm gone!" I called after her. "Bye Zo-zo! Bye Bailey! See you tonight!"

Zola waved and got in Amelia's car.

After Amelia pulled away I walked down the hall to the bedroom. I entered the room to find Meredith sitting, crying on the floor.

"What's wrong?" I asked, sitting next to her.

"George is dead, Izzie left, Christina left, everyone's leaving and everyone's dying." Her sobs were taking over her whole body as I tried to calm her down by rubbing her back. "Why do so many bad things happen to us?"

Her head fell to her hands and she could no longer speak due to her violent cries. I wrapped my arms around her protectively. What do you say to someone when everything they said is true?

She lifted her head and peered in to my eyes. Her beautiful green eyes were drowning in tears and I felt my heart hurt at her pain. Suddenly she kissed me. I loved her and I loved kissing her but it felt wrong. This wasn't the right time. As much as I didn't want to, I pulled away.

"Meredith, we can't do this like this." I told her as I searched her face to try and see what she was feeling.

"Derek, please. Those are all things we can't control. Car crashes, plane crashes, gunmen. But being here with you, it makes it better. Right now we're in control and all I want is you."

I gazed into her eyes and saw that this would make her feel better. I still wasn't sure if this was the right time. "Let's get you into the shower and we'll go from there."

"Okay," she agreed as she smiled up at me.

I kissed her, passionately. It was the most passionate kiss they had shared in a long time. The feeling was unreal. I pulled away to wipe away her tears and smiled at her. My Meredith would be okay. I would make sure of it.

I scooped her up in my arms and carried her to the bathroom, my lips rarely leaving her skin. All of our movements seemed to be in slow motion as I softly removed her shirt. She seemed so delicate, like one wrong touch and she would break. Soon, she was standing in front of me in only her bra and panties. My eyes fell to the large scar from her surgery. The sight took my breath away and I was barely holding my own self together. As I ran my finger over the scar, our eyes locked and they were doing all of the talking. She looked at me as if saying it was okay and kissed me to confirm that it was okay. She was okay.

She began to remove my clothes so that all I had on were my boxers. Finally, we both removed the remaining garments as we stepped into the shower.

We stood facing each other and I placed a kiss on her forehead before reaching for the soap. I started at her shoulders, rubbing the soap across her skin. It felt like every swipe wiped away the pain and all the bad in her life. I cleaned every spot of her body and moved on to her hair. Her soft moans drove me crazy, but I knew my decision to wait was the right one.

I grabbed her lavender soap and started to massage it into her scalp, careful to avoid her scar on her head. I loved the smell of her soap. I thought of the night when I went to see her after the bomb and she identified her soap as lavender. I hadn't cared for lavender until that moment. From then on, anything lavender drove me crazy.

When I finished washing her off, I reached for the handle to turn off the water when her hand stopped me.

"It's your turn," she whispered, her eyes filled with lust.

"Meredith," I protested. "This is about you."

"I just want things to be normal again." she pleaded with her eyes.

I was about to speak when my breath hitched as her small hands grabbed my length. I lost my willpower and I gave in to her touch as our shower turned even more intimate than it had been just before.

I made love to her in a more special way then usual. It felt like the night of Prom all over again. It was reunion sex, fix it all sex, feel better sex. It wasn't a senseless thing, it put us back together. Pleasure surged through us as we made love to each other.

After we both came down from our high, I helped her out of the shower and wrapped her in her favorite fluffy towel. I couldn't help but smile at her. I never thought love like this was possible. Just being near her, feeling her, I could actually feel the love deep in my heart. I sure as hell never felt this way about Addison.

I thought of how far we had come. I remembered when I first met her and I couldn't keep my mind off of her. I thought of how happy I was when we ran into each other again. It took me so long to get her to be mine. Now I couldn't imagine ever not being with her.

God, I was such an ass. How could I have almost let her slip away?

"Derek?" she questioned,her beautiful voice pulled me away from my thoughts. I snapped out of it and picked her up, placing her on our bed.

I closed the shades before walking over to the dresser. I quickly pulled on my pajamas before turning my attention to her. "Which pajamas do you want?" I asked her.

"Actually, can I wear one of your shirts? Boxers too?" she requested.

"Of course." I retrieved her clothes of choice from the dresser and handed them to her. I couldn't help but stare as she dropped her towel and put them on, catching glimpses of the body that I had just cleaned.

She blushed and turned around after she was finished dressing. "Why are you staring at me?"

"Because you're beautiful." It was cliché, I know, but it was the only way I knew to describe her. I smiled and waved her over. "Come here," I told her.

I flicked the lights off as she climbed on to the bed with me and I pulled the sheets up over us. She pressed her back into my chest and I slipped my arms around her. I was about to fall asleep when I heard her voice.

"Derek?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Meredith."

After that we both fell into a deep sleep.

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 **WOAH THAT WAS A LOT OF FLUFF. It's okay though because we were deprived of it in the real episodes. There is still lots more to come so leave reviews on how you think things are going and stay tuned!**

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	7. Chapter 7

**So here goes another update! I'm updating pretty fast now so I don't give a lot of time for reviews or maybe I'm just impatient. Haha! I really enjoy writing this because I can make it what I want. Sorry Shonda, but I'll take it from here! Haha, okay here goes the 7th installment!**

Derek's POV:

A week later I was woken up in the night by a persistent knock on the door. "You've got to be kidding me." I looked over at Meredith asleep next to me, snoring as usual. I had gotten used to it over the years and it no longer bothered me. I chuckled to myself and crawled out of bed, planting a kiss on her forehead before making my way to the front door. When I opened the door I saw someone I would never expect.

"Christina!? What are you doing here? It's two in the morning."

"Meredith, I heard she was in an accident. Owen told me." Her face was a mixture of worry and anger.

"Well, she's asleep now, but I can-"

"Christina?" Meredith's voice cut in from behind me.

"Mer," she sighed as she walked over and hugged Meredith. "I hate you so much. Why didn't you tell me you were in an accident? God, I was so scared. I had to hear it from Owen."

Breaking the embrace, Meredith stepped back. "I didn't want to trouble you. You would have caught a plane out here, which you ended up doing anyway."

"Oh, and McDreamy, you're no better. You didn't tell me either." She said pointing in my direction.

"Guilty as charged." I smiled. I never would fully understand their friendship but I was glad Meredith had someone like her for all the times I wasn't there. "Well, seeing as it's 2am, why don't I set up the guest room for you?"

"That'd be great." Christina replied.

I woke up again that morning at 8 am to the bed bouncing around. Christina. I groaned and rolled over to find Christina handing Meredith a coffee. Meredith glanced over at me and gave me a look that said, sorry!

"Just like old times, I see," I retorted as I got up out of bed.

"Oh cry about it," Christina yelled as I walked out the door.

Meredith's POV:

"You have to stop doing that," I laughed. "One of these days he's not going to come back."

"Trust me, Mer, he's always going to come back. He looks at you like I look at a 18 hour surgery. He's head over heels for you."

Christina's statement left a smile on my face. She used to think that Derek and I would never last.

"So you're talking to Owen?" I questioned.

"We're more like friends but yeah, we talk. Does he have a thing for the younger Shepherd sister?"

"No way, really?"

Christina and I talked for hours after that about everything that had happened in Seattle and with her new job. When we finally left my room, I found Derek sound asleep on the couch.

"Amelia is dropping off the kids in a few minutes with the kids," I told Christina. "They'll be happy to see you. I'm sure they'd love to go to that ice cream shop with you again."

"Sure thing. I'll go get ready." She said and walked to the guest room.

"Derek," I nudged him. "Christina is taking the kids for ice cream, we can go nap soon."

Suddenly his eyes shot open as I realized what I was saying.

"We're home!" Amelia said when she walked in the door. "They're full of energy and I have a meeting, so I'll see you later!"

"Thanks Amelia!" I called after her. "Zo-Zo! Guess who's here!"

"Who mama?"

"Wo mumma?" said Bailey as he tried to copy his big sister.

"Aunty Christina is here!"

"Aunty Christina!" Zola yelled and ran down the hall. Christina came out just as Zola reached her door.

"Hey Zola! You got so big since I last saw you!" Christina was so good with my kids. I found it hard to believe there wasn't a small part of her that didn't want children of her own.

"Maybe you got smaller." Zola giggled.

"How about we get your brother and go to your favorite ice cream shop?"

"That sounds fun! Can we go on the go-carts and mini golf too?" she begged, using her best pleading smile. The same one that Derek used on me. I glanced at him and noticed he was becoming impatient for them to leave. The last time we got to do anything was a week ago in the shower. Amelia had always been around, Alex stopped over constantly, and we spent lots of time with the kids. I shook my head at him and grabbed his hand. He would have to wait just a little longer.

"Okay, let's go then!" Christina told the kids and they disappeared out the door.

It had barely shut before I felt Derek grab me from behind.

"Put me down!" I squeeled, laughing the whole time. He carried me to our bedroom and we spent our alone time together in the best way we knew how.

We lay in the bed together afterwards, Derek with his arms around me. He had fallen asleep a while ago but I stayed awake thinking about things. I peered over at the man holding me and I knew there was no other place in the world I'd rather be. Suddenly, my stomach churned. Something wasn't right.

I got up and ran to the bathroom just in time to enter the contents of my stomach into the toilet. The sound of my hurling must have woken Derek up because when I looked up he was at my side.

"Meredith, what's wrong?" he asked. "Oh, god, there's blood."

I was about to answer him when the next wave hit and I threw up again. Concern was written all over his face as he held my hair back.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to get some things. We're going to the hospital." he told me, his voice shaky and unsteady.

Derek's POV:

I woke up to the sound of Meredith vomiting into the toilet. My first thought was the car crash. Was this a complication of the surgeries she had been through? Did we rush her recovery too fast? What if I had done this to her by asking her to have sex?

I ran to put on some clothes and grabbed hers too. After helping her get them on we got out to the car and I started it up, handing her a bucket in case she threw up again.

"I'm going to leave a note for Christina for when she gets home." I told Meredith as I rushed into the house.

 _Christina,_

 _It's Meredith. Had to run to the hospital. Meet us there when you get home._

 _-Derek_

I returned to the car and rushed to the hospital, breaking all sorts of laws of the road on my way. Only one thing mattered to me right now and that was Meredith.

We got to the hospital and were instantly greeted by Maggie and Richard.

"What happened Shep?" Richard asked.

"Well we were..." Derek stopped, deciding to leave out the intimate details of what had happened, "We were sleeping and she woke up and started vomiting with some blood in it. Is this a complication of the surgery?"

"We won't know until we run tests. Kepner! Can you come order these tests please? Maggie, I'm tagging you out. This is technically family for you. Go wait with Derek" He turned to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay Derek. If anything is wrong we will fix it."

I nodded and walked over to the corner of the room with Maggie to stay out of everyone's way. I looked over at Meredith who couldn't speak because of the oxygen mask over her nose and mouth and saw the look of fear in her eyes.

After what seemed like forever, April walked into the room to deliver the news of what was wrong. "Okay, we have some things to discuss. Do you want the good news or the bad?"

I looked over at Meredith to see what she thought. The look in her eyes told me good. "The good news please."

A huge smile spread across April's face. "Well, Meredith, you're pregnant! It looks about 6 weeks along!"

I was shocked by the news and by the look on Meredith's face she was too.

"Are you sure?" Meredith questioned.

I thought back and tried to remember where Meredith and I had been at that time and then it hit me. That was around the time when we were fighting and we had taken a break for a while. Wow, we were going to have another kid.

"Wait," I said, "You said there was bad news too. What's happening."

"Oh, right," April whispered, looking at her feet.

"April, tell me. Everything that could go wrong happens to me so just spill it." Meredith's voice had gone sharp. She had been through so much. I ran a hand through her hair, attempting to calm her down.

Before April could answer, the new OB walked in and began to explain.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Michaels. And you must be Dr. Grey. Well, the situation is that due to the car crash and your previous history with child birth, the chances of a miscarriage are extremely high. The amount of stress on your body was extreme and it made your body not ideal for housing a child. I'm going to go and get some prenatal vitamins just in case you're going to want them but you and Derek should talk this over."

"You want us to decide if we should support the pregnancy? I'm not clueless, I'm a doctor too. You want to know if I want to abort my child. DO YOU THINK I'M A MURDERER?" Meredith had started yelling.

"I'm going to step out now," Maggie said uncomfortably and walked out of the room.

"Meredith, it's going to be okay." I reassured her. "Dr. Michaels, a word please?"

I stepped out into the hall with Dr. Michaels following me and tried to regain my own composure before I started speaking.

"There is no way we are aborting this child. Meredith and I have been through hell together and it's about damn time that something good happened to us. Now I don't think you're qualified to do this job otherwise you would look at all your options before telling us that we should abort. There has to be something we can do to support this pregnancy. You know what, I don't want you on this case. I'm calling Addison Montgomery."

Dr. Michaels looked taken aback by everything I had said and how mad I was. "Okay Dr. Shepherd, but anytime we have to work together for a surgery, don't expect it to be a cake walk. Your ego is really very large. I didn't believe the gossip." With that she turned on her heel and walked away.

I reentered Meredith's room and sat next to her bed resting my head on my arm. "You want this baby, right Mer?"

She looked down at me, tears in her eyes. "Of course, don't you?"

"Yeah, but I also don't want you to be in pain." I confessed.

"Derek, we've wanted another child for a while now. Our dream is coming true. I can do it. I'll decide when enough is enough."

I stared at her for a while before she asked for my confirmation. "Okay?" she asked.

I lifted her hand to my mouth and kissed it. "Okay."

"We're having another baby!" she exclaimed, a huge smile taking over her face.

"We're having a baby." I repeated, returning her smile.

 **CHRISTINA IS BACK AND MCBABY #2 WHOOP WHOOP. Meredith and Derek need some happiness. It won't be an easy road though! Let's see where this takes us though! Leave reviews on what you thought of this chapter!**

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	8. Chapter 8

**I can't think of anything to say up here so I guess I'll just write lol. Here is chapter 8 :D**

Meredith's POV:

After everything was sorted out at the hospital, Derek and I decided to head home to call Addison. It would be a while until she could get here anyway and it didn't make sense to wait around. To be honest, I wasn't crazy about the idea of Derek's ex-wife coming to town, let alone her working on me but she was the best in her field and I guess I'd just have to live with it. Professionally, she was incredible. If I wanted the best for the baby and to support the pregnancy.

That night I was sitting in the living room when Derek emerged from the bedroom, his phone in hand. "I called Addison." he said. "She'll be here late tomorrow so she can meet us the next morning. The kids are asleep, Christina got a hotel room for tonight. Did you take your vitamins yet? I can get them for you, you'll need water too." His hair was a mess from running his hand through it and I could tell he was stressed.

"Derek have you slept at all since this morning? You didn't sleep at all last night because we were in the ER."

"I'm okay. Did you take your meds?" He said, his eyes not leaving his phone. He was probably researching my condition, his doctor instincts kicking in.

"Yes, Derek. I'm not three." I snapped at him. Although I had taken a nap and gotten rest, the stress of everything really was a lot to deal with. I couldn't imagine how Derek felt running on no sleep at all.

With that he glanced up from his phone. I hadn't used such a harsh tone since we were fighting about DC. "And you think that I'm stressed, huh." he retorted, looking back down at his phone.

"You haven't slept for over at least 24 hours, or at least that's all I know of, you're stressed, you've been stressed since I got in that accident."

He lowered his phone and stared at the ground, which told me that I was right.

"For right now, I'm okay. I'm right here." I told him, although he just stared at the floor.

"Derek are you even listening to me?"

He finally looked up at me, his sadness written all over his face. He slowly walked over to the couch I was on and sat down. "Do you remember when you had Bailey, and you almost bled out from your fall on the stairs? I had no clue that anything was wrong at the time. I was in a completely different room. And then, all of a sudden Christina comes and tells me that you're in bad shape. Dr. Bailey came out of the OR and she made it sound like you had died on the table. Everything in that moment just seemed so unreal. I thought you-" he paused, gathering himself again, "I thought I had lost you for good. The reason I'm so worried about you is because you almost died because of a problem I didn't even know of, so yes, I'm going to be very protective of you."

"Thank you. That means a lot, but Derek, for right now, nothing is wrong. You getting no sleep and stressing isn't helping either." I said, reaching out to grab his hand. "Come here and lay down."

He sighed and put his head down on my lap and I covered him with a blanket. I reached out to turn off the light and began to comb my fingers through his hair.

"You know you were just doing all those nice things for me when I was hurt so that I would have to pay you back. It's cruel, really." I laughed.

"Oh, shush."

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked.

"I didn't say that." he said, giving me his best McDreamy smile. After that he drifted off and so did I not long after.

Derek's POV:

The next morning I woke to Zola's feet on my shoulder and her head in Meredith's lap. She must have moved me out of the way to lay there. I laughed at the thought and watched my two girls sleep. Not long after I got up Meredith started to stir.

"Good morning," I told her.

She rubbed her eyes and looked at me. "Good morning," she smiled.

I got up from the couch and put my blanket over Zola. "I'll go make us some breakfast. Do you want to get Bailey?"

"Sure," she responded as she got up.

I started to get out the ingredients for waffles when Zola walked in to the kitchen. "Hi, daddy!" she said as she looked up at me.

"Hey Zo-Zo, want to help me make breakfast?" I asked.

Her eyes lit up at the thought as she nodded her head. We cooked and laughed as we made breakfast and spent quality father-daughter time together.

"Daddy?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"Why were you and mommy fighting before?"

I was taken off guard by her question as I paused my cooking. How do you answer a question like that to a child?

"Well Zola, mommy and I didn't agree on something and we started yelling at each other which was the wrong thing to do."

"Are you and mommy going to move into different houses like Carly's mommy and daddy?"

Carly was Zola's best friend and her parents had gotten a divorce. They were always fighting and they had finally called it quits. It never occurred to me that Zola would know what all of that meant.

"No, of course not." I said, picking her up. "I love your mommy very much and I would never leave her. I told her I was sorry for yelling and we worked it out. I promise." I reassured her.

"Okay," she giggled as her attention quickly changed back to the food.

Meredith's POV:

I walked down the hall towards the kitchen carrying Bailey right as Derek was talking to Zola. Not wanting to interrupt, I paused before entering. "I love your mommy..." I heard him say to her, "...I would never leave her..." I caught myself smiling again and finally entered the kitchen.

"Hey!" Derek said happily as I entered. "It's just about done."

"Okay," I said smiling at him as I took Zola's hand. He returned my smile and I brought the kids to the table to get them ready to eat. Derek brought out the food and we ate together as a family, something that was hard to come by in the life of a surgeon.

"You know, you have to go back to work eventually." I told him.

"Let's just see what Addison says and then we can go from there, okay?"

"That's fine. It's just that I don't think I'll be working a lot anytime soon and we're going to need some kind of income."

"I know, I know."

The conversation ended when I heard a knock at the door and got up to answer it. I opened it up to find Alex.

"Um, hey Alex!" I said when I saw him standing in the doorway. "What do you need?"

"You're pregnant?"

"Yeah!" We just found out." I had barely finished my sentence when his arms were around me, pulling me into a hug.

"I'm so happy for you!" he said, giving me a genuine smile.

"Thank you," I laughed, thinking about how the old Alex was nothing like this. He really turned out to be a great friend and a great guy. "Do you want any breakfast? There's a little left." I still had the habit of taking in strays.

"Jo made us breakfast already but thanks for the offer."

"Okay, well come in anyway." I told him and he entered the house. Zola and Bailey were overjoyed at the visit of Alex and he let them play doctor with him.

I had everything I ever wanted in life. A husband who I loved, beautiful children, great friends, an incredible job, it was perfect. Even with all the bad things that happened, I still made it this far. We would get through this, we always did.

 **So this chapter was more like a random filler because I have things planned and we need some happy MerDer thrown in more often. Leave some reviews about how you fell about this story! Reviews help me get ideas and they give me motive to write more :) Thanks for all the support so far as well! It really means a lot :D**

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	9. Chapter 9

**So much is going on in my life LOL. Sorry for the delay! School started (kill me), I"m on vacation and volleyball is going on. I promise I will write when I can! I also want to thank the people who are giving this story a chance and are reviewing/favoriting/following. It means the world to me and makes me feel better about my writing. Not to mention, keeps me motivated to write more. Well, here goes Chapter 9!**

 **(Note: I changed the rating just to be on the safe side.)**

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Meredith's POV:

Derek and I sat in an exam room, waiting for Addison to arrive for our appointment. His arm was draped over my leg with his hand holding the inside of my thigh. Neither of us knew what was to come regarding our future and our baby's future. I glanced at him and he gave me a weak smile. So much had happened to us in our lives which made it was hard to stay strong anymore.

Our gaze was broken when the door creaked open and the tall redheaded woman walked into the room.

Derek shot up out of his chair and walked over to her. "Addison, thank you so much for coming." He said, pulling her into a hug.

I looked across the room at a picture hanging on the wall to avoid watching my husband hug another woman, his ex-wife.

When the hug ended I turned my attention back to Addison and gave her a smile. "Hello," I managed to say as I stood up next to Derek. She gave me a sympathetic smile and walked over to the computer in the corner of the room to read my chart. After a little while she turned to me. "Okay, Meredith, let's take a look. Everything off from the waist down. Here's a cloth."

I stripped off my pants and panties and sat on the exam chair. I hated these kind of checkups. I was so exposed.

Derek took the chair next to me as he folded my clothes in his lap. As he finished he reached out and grabbed my hand and Addison began the examination.

"As of now," she said, "Everything looks good. The blood in the vomit was because of morning sickness combined with the damage of the car accident but we're not going to worry about that right now. The baby looks normal and seems to be on the right track but we are going to watch you like a hawk. I'm going to give you some extra medication just because of your recent history, other wise you're good to go. I'll schedule another appointment in a few weeks just to make sure nothing wrong is happening."

"What about work?"

"You can return to work but no long surgeries. I don't want you to stress your body out."

I thanked her and she went out into the hall.

"Can you hand me my clothes, Derek?" I asked. He was distracted by something and was staring at the door.

He nodded and handed them to me and started to speak. "Meredith, I'll be right back." he said and bolted out the door.

I quickly put on my clothes and grabbed my bag as I made my way to the door. I stopped when I heard Addison's voice. "It'll be fine, Derek." she paused. "You know, we could have had this. This could be our child on the way. What if we hadn't gotten a divorce?"

"You mean if you hadn't cheated on me? With my best friend might I add?"

"Oh, admit it. If I hadn't cheated and you hadn't left we would still be together and starting a family. You were angry about what I did and you couldn't get over it. We could have had a life together."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did Addison still want Derek back? I quickly exited the room and went the opposite way down the hallway and made my way to the car. I shot Derek a text,

 _Went to the car, was getting clastrophobic,_ I lied, _Grab meds and meet me here._

Derek's POV:

"Addison, our marriage was over far before any of that stuff happened and you know that. We just didn't work. My life with Meredith is everything I've ever dreamed of and that's not being mean to you because we just didn't go together."

"Yeah, I know. I just couldn't help but think that this could have been our baby. I've moved on and I no longer think of you that way. It was just an idea." She paused and glanced at the floor. "I should tell you something." she said and looked up again. "I'm remarried and pregnant. It's a man named Jake."

Addison, remarried? "Wow Addie! That's great!" She had moved on, and I was glad. Maybe Meredith wouldn't be so on edge. Right on cue, my phone buzzed.

I could see right through Meredith's lies and I could tell something was up. Why had she bolted?

"Um, Addie, just text me about making an appointment. I have to go."

I ran out to the car and found Meredith sitting in it with her arms crossed and a pissed off look on her face. "What's wrong?" I asked as I got into the driver's seat.

"Oh, nothing. Are you done making plans with your ex-wife for your life together?" She said bitterly.

"Woah, Meredith. I'm not making life plans with Addison."

"Sure seemed like it when you were discussing that this baby could have been with Addison! Just drive Derek. I want to go home." She said as she turned towards the window away from me.

I sighed and looked over at her. "I know what it sounded like but we didn't mean anything by it. She was just saying how if some things hadn't happened that this might have been different. But it's not. I'm in love with you. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you and from that moment on, my marriage was over. It was honestly over before I even left her in New York. She's moved on now anyway. Shes pregnant and remarried."

She turned and looked at me and I could see the hurt in her eyes. "That never stopped her before, being married to you and all. And you chose her over me once before."

I couldn't help myself and I was starting to get frustrated. One of the things I'm not very good at is controlling my anger. "Why in gods name would I pick her over you? We have children together, we're having another child!"

Anger was filling her voice too. "For one, she's a freaking super model and I'm me. Damaged, dark, and twisty me. Two, you picked her over me once before and you picked your career and DC over me just a few weeks ago. And third? Are you with me only because I have your kids? Great reason, Derek."

In that moment I could feel her pain as if it were my own because her words rang true in my head about not choosing her. I had been selfish.I put my head down for a while before starting up the car and driving home in complete silence. When we arrived, Meredith went straight to her bed and slammed the door.

Meredith's POV:

So much for stress free until the baby comes, I thought to myself. I wonder how we're going to get past this if it constantly keeps getting brought up. I realize that I've been the one bringing it up but it's always in the back of my head. He chose a job over my work.

I drifted into restless sleep after a while before waking to the smell of food drifting through the house. I could hear Zola's laugh and Bailey's coos coming from the kitchen. Amy must have brought the kids home while I was asleep.

I got up and walked down to the kitchen to find Derek teaching Zola to cook.

"Okay, Zo, stir it just like this," he instructed her.

I silently watched them cook from the corner where I couldn't be seen until all of the food was done. Derek turned around to place the food on the table and when he saw me and stopped in his tracks. "Hey," he whispered.

"Hi," I replied as he stared. He broke off the staring when he remembered his task and placed the food on the table.

He turned back to me and looked me in the eyes again."Dinner's ready, if you want some."

I walked over to the table and was greeted by Zola running over to hug me.

"Hi baby girl!" I smiled at her.

"Hi ma-ma. Did you take a nap?"

"I did." I told her as she climbed into my lap.

"Daddy taught me to cook stagetti!"

I laughed at her funny way of saying spaghetti and gave her another hug. "That's great! You're going to be a better cook than mommy!"

"Yeah, you're bad at cooking momma."

Derek, who was walking towards the table, tried to cover a laugh but I could hear it loud and clear. I shot him a glare which only made him laugh harder at me. I couldn't help the small grin spreading across my face. Zola ran over to her place at the table and Derek walked over to me.

"I'm sorry it's just so cute when you're mad. Well, except for this morning. Are you still mad at me?" he asked, giving me his best puppy dog eyes.

His eyes were a weak spot for me and he knew it. "Stop it," I said slapping his stomach and crossing my arms.

"Ouch!" he yelled, clearly over exaggerating. He leaned close to my ear and whispered so the kids couldn't hear, "You're going to pay for that tonight." He nibbled my ear quickly and started to serve Zola and Bailey their food.

I still had goosebumps from Derek's hot breath and nibble on my ear. I laughed to myself as I thought of how great my punishment was going to be.

Derek's POV:

I knew that I wasn't off the hook. It was never that easy. I thought that if I lightened the mood now that maybe things would be easier later.

We finished dinner and I cleaned the dishes as Meredith put the kids to sleep. I was still working on the dishes when she walked in to the kitchen and wrapped her arms around my waist from behind, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Do you still love me?" she asked.

I paused my work with the dishes and set down the plate I was holding. I turned around to face her. "Meredith, you never need to ask that question. You already know the answer."

I pulled her into a bear hug and placed my chin on her hair, occasionally planting kisses there as well.

"Why did you pick her then?"

I never realized how much my actions had really hurt Meredith. It happened so long ago but it was my fault that some of her self esteem had been shattered. I sighed and thought of what to say to her. "I was dumb then. I tried to be the good guy and please everyone else when I should've done what made me happy and what wouldn't hurt you, the one I truly loved. I should've picked you to begin with and then we would have had one more year together."

"She's so pretty though, why did you downgrade to me?"

This question just angered me. She was so perfect but she couldn't see it. "Mer, I don't know how you don't see it. You're so beautiful in my eyes. Why do you think I was so jealous all the time, like when you were with Finn? Any guy would kill to have you. Honestly, I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. I've been an ass to you over the years and you constantly just brush it off. You should be treated like a queen."

She blushed at my comments and I pulled her face in for a kiss. Our lips pushed together for what felt like hours but was only a few minutes. Eventually I picked her up and brought her to the bedroom.

I placed her on the bed and began undressing her as she did the same to me. Soon we were both exposed to each other. I began to place soft kisses on her face and neck.

"I thought you said you were going to punish me." She said, her words labored from the pleasure and heavy breathing.

"Change of plans, tonight is about showing you how beautiful you are. Everywhere I place a kiss is a part of you that is beautiful."

I started with her face kissing her hair, her nose, cheeks, ears, and I placed a few on her lips for good measure. I slowly worked my way down, kissing her neck and each breast. She laughed when I reached her stomach. She was ticklish there. I reverted my attention to her mouth where I placed another kiss. I smiled as I kissed her and told her, "You're laugh is beautiful, too." I slowly moved back down and kissed each and every toe before moving back up her legs again, placing kisses the whole way. I finally reached her wet core. I kissed her there before pleasuring her until she was satisfied and brought my face back up to hers.

She smiled at me and pulled me down by my hair to kiss me and our lips locked again. We kissed for a while before my own desires required attention. It was becoming painful for me and Meredith could tell although I tried to conceal my pain.. Tonight was about her.

"Derek, it's okay." She told me. I looked deep into her eyes and confirmed it with her. Her hand reached down and guided me in.

We went until both of us were pleasured and fell back onto the bed.

"I'm so in love with you, Meredith Grey." I told her. I couldn't describe the feeling but it was strong. I guess it is true, you really can feel love deep in your heart.

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 **Whoop whoop. So there's another chapter but there's more to come! Review please, I really love getting reviews :) It's like opening christmas presents for me. Leave predictions on what you think is going to happen! I love you all, MERDER FOREVER.**

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	10. Chapter 10

**Updates are going to be less often now because school has started. I promise I will try my best to keep up with it though! I'm trying to find ways to make this interesting so stick with it ;) This chapter starts a few weeks after the last chapter.**

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Meredith's POV:

"Meredith," I heard Derek say as I stared blankly out the car window. "Meredith, are you listening at all?"

"Yeah, sorry, just a lot on my mind." I told him as my hand drifted across my very small baby bump.

"Are you nervous?" He asked. It was my first day back to work in a while and on top of it, I was starting my neuro fellowship today.

He reached over and grabbed my hand and I gave him a small smile. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

He pulled his Porsche into his usual parking spot and quickly made his way over to my door to help me out. We both made our way into the hospital for my first time since our appointment.

"Are you alright?" he asked, pulling me to a stop before the elevators.

"Derek, I'm fine. Stop asking."

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Derek and I stepped in to a silent elevator.

Next to me, Derek started to chuckle to himself. "What are you laughing about?" I asked him.

"We haven't had an elevator moment in quite a while," he said giving me his best McDreamy smile and moving himself in front of me. His body weight pushed against mine as his hands pressed on the wall, trapping me in. He leaned in and crushed his lips into mine, his tongue begging for entrance. Our tongues intertwined and battled for dominance for awhile before the all too familiar ding brought us back to reality and he pulled back. Smiling, he licked his lips and took my hand as we walked out of the elevator.

"So, I'll see you for lunch?" he asked, still smiling.

I returned his smile, "See you then."

"Oh Meredith," he called, "No long surgeries."

"I'm not three, Derek!" I yelled back, walking away.

The day was pretty slow so far. I was needed for a few consults and stitches but nothing real interesting. I was dying for a big case to roll in the door.

As I walked through the hall a few nurses and other personnel started to run past me. Instinctively, I followed and man, was I glad I did. I entered the ER to find 3 very badly injured patients. I heard from some people near by that they fell in a rock climbing accident. I quickly made my way over to the first patient.

"Hi, I'm doctor Grey, can you tell me your name?"

The patient looked up at me with scared eyes as he struggled to move.

"Sir, please don't move, I'm here to help you."

He lost consciousness so I quickly assessed his injuries and checked his pupils for any signs on what was going on in his brain.

"I've got to get him up to the OR now. Someone call up there please!" I ordered as I prepped the bed to be moved. This was the perfect surgery.

7 hours later, I was still working hard to fix up my patient. He had many brain bleeds and his brain was swelling. I glanced up at the clock to see that it was 4 in the afternoon. I had missed lunch with Derek.

"Can someone page Dr. Shepherd and let him know that I got caught up in a surgery?" I asked my surrounding nurses. One of them volunteered and I turned my attention back to the patient.

As my hands were working, the field in front of me looked to be moving and began to seem blurry. I blinked a few times which seemed to resolve my issue and I returned back to my work. After about thirty minutes, the problem returned.

"Dr. Grey, are you okay?" a nearby scrub nurse asked. That was the last thing I remembered before everything went black.

Derek's POV:

I sprinted through the halls to find where they took Meredith. I received a page from a scrub nurse that said she had passed out during a surgery. Typical, I should have known she wasn't okay as soon as I found out she didn't have lunch.

"Meredith," I sighed as I entered her room. "I told you no long surgeries and why did you skip lunch?"

"I was in the middle of a surgery. I lost track of time." She mumbled

"You can't be losing track of time! You're carrying a child, our child. It's not just you that you have to worry about right now." I barked back, louder than I intended.

"Ive had a child before, Derek, I'm not dumb."

"Then why were you being irresponsible again?" I said, crossing my arms and leaning against the door.

"Are you calling me a bad mother? Like that day when you said I was just like my mother?" She snapped.

My mouth hung open in disbelief. "Are you seriously going to bring that up every time we have a disagreement?"

She didn't answer me but her eyes pierced right through me. If looks could kill.

My gaze fell to the floor to avoid her stare. "Meredith," I paused. "I think that we... I think I need to go visit home for a little while. I'm not running, I still love you it's just... I need to.. I need to think. I need to find myself again."

Her stare softened as she struggled to process what I just told her. I walked over and kissed her forehead, carefully brushing a piece of hair out of her face. "I'll be back very soon, just promise me you'll take care of yourself and our baby for the next few days."

She looked at me but no words came out of her mouth. She was completely mute.

"I'll get Alex to bring you home and I'll take Bailey and Zola to see grandma."

I finally got some form of answer from her as she nodded and looked down. I gave her a weak smile and walked out the door.

Meredith's POV:

Did he really just leave? His words were running through my head but I still couldn't seem to make sense of them. He was right, we both needed air to breath but I wasn't sure if this is what I really wanted. I never intended for him to leave. Maybe I was being to hard on him for what he said. I knew he didn't really mean it, although the words still stung. I needed to stop holding that against him. What if in "finding himself" he realized he didn't love me and he never came back?

I mentally kicked myself and tried to push the thoughts away so I could fall asleep. It was difficult to do so, but eventually my eyelids grew heavy and I drifted off without my husband by my side.

I woke when Alex walked into my room.

"Hey Mer, Bailey said you can go home for the night. I'll bring you home and stay with you tonight."

I looked around for Derek before remembering where he went. When I remembered, sadness flooded my face. I glanced at Alex who gave me a sympathetic smile and reached out his hand. Slowly I got up and fell into his arms which he had wrapped around me.

"It'll be okay, he always comes back. And he knows whats coming if he doesn't." Alex laughed, referencing the time he punched Derek in the hall.

His joke caused a small grin to appear on my face and he broke the embrace to grab my things. "Let's go home." He said.

When I arrived home I found the silence eerie. My house was never quiet. Either the kids were awake, a babysitter was here, or Derek was here with me. I rarely came home to a quiet house.

I quickly set up the guest room for Alex and made my way over to my room.

Rarely did I ever have free time all to myself. I took a quick look around the quiet room before I made sure the door was locked. I stripped down to my underwear and turned on the music. Boy was I glad that Derek made the walls soundproof. I danced my heart out in my underwear for a good hour before I was finally exhausted. I collapsed on our large bed as the silence enveloped me again. I turned my head to look at where Derek usually lay and found myself sad that he wasn't there, regardless of how nice it was to be all alone for once. It turns out that at the end of the day, people were better than no people.

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 **Alright so before you all flip out about Derek leaving, let me explain. He still loves her but he needs to realize that. Things aren't just going to magically fix themselves. The fight at the beginning of the story is still very relevant and I think that Mer and Der both need to take a step back and look at it all from a different view point. For me, the end of this chapter really shows how Meredith is finally relaxing and having fun again but no matter what, they still long for each other and find them selves happier in each other's presence.**

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